no apologies

I guess this marks the return of my titling posts with "My." I can't believe I did that for a year.

How did I become this? This being who I am and where I stand on most things nowadays. This being the person I am today as opposed to a year ago. This being the person who's made a complete and utter ass of himself over the course of the last month. I look back on these things and I am genuinely ashamed to say that I did/said them. And I apologize a million times over for them. And I do regret most of them. But I did them and I make no excuse for that. My principles will not allow me to pass the buck on these or blame them on alcohol.
So with that I am issuing a final apology for anyone I have offended. I am heartfully sorry.  And with that I move on. 

Last year I made a New Year's resolution that no matter what, I would never lose sight of who I am no matter what and I've kept good on that until recently. So that needs to happen. I need to become myself again.For my own sanity if not for any thing else. It took me a good part of the day to fully think it out what need to happen next. and that's changing things in my life that I think need changing.

1. losing weight - its not hard I'm just prone to weak moments. Lots of them. Loads even.
2. getting a handle on this smoking thing - I don't really have a reason to quit. I enjoy smoking, but I don't want it to get the better of me. So, I'm going to limit myself to 3 a day.
3. drinking - this horse needs to be corralled, I will make it a poing to only drink on Fridays and Saturdays and even then no more then 30 bucks worth
4. stop crying over girls that don't want me - I'm a fairly decent guy. If they can't see that hopefully the next one will
5. new music - I used to be able to get about 8 good bands a month. Whatever happened to that?
6. stop dwelling on past things - they're in my past. I should be past them
7. ending any outstanding grudges on my part - when there's effort involved into disliking someone it becomes a problem because that energy could be put toward more product things like reading or masturbating
8. get a new hobby - why not?
9. set some short term goals - and actually accomplish them
10. get my shit together - finish school, get a job, get out of debt. Simple

The heart strings are of the trickiest sort. Plucked right and they can produce a beautiful chord. Plucked wrong and they can snap with a painful shriek that's seems deafening but is only temporary.

I've been quite productive, I actually managed to get an entire song together that I'm quite fond of. Music is a much needed distraction from the mess I've created of my life

I hope its only my insecurities making me feel like this, but I'd give anything to know how NOT to sabotage my relationship

These are the worst kind of days. Like the day after Fat Man and Little Boy. The morning after 9/11. The next few hours after Spiderman 3. Suffice it to say this is not a good day

That Creature Fear by Bon Iver could be the best song ever written, sung, produced, and distributed to the mass media. The album has slim to no advertising, their are no videos, and little to no airplay outside of NPR and local alternative college radio stations. Seriously, tell your friends about this guy. The album's been out for about four months and I've only seen it hyped by CHUCK which will hopefully be picked up for another season.

Things are pretty damn good right now. My only worry these days is money but that seems like a national trend. All I can do is search for a better or another jobs to take care of rent and utilities and other stuff

No matter how great things are going I always have to hear something form someone that completely knocks me down a few notches.




damn it all to hell

please don't fuck up. please don't fuck this up. please don't be a fuck up

am I surrounded by knuckleheads

everyone I know is pretty much begging to make bad decisions. and this is why we get along so well. I'm gonna roll another cigarette and go to bed

Shouldn't make this post invalid. I can't seem to ever get to HAPPY. Wherever that place maybe I'm almost certain at this point that there's not a spot there for me. SO, I'm gonna live fast, not give half a fuck, and probably die young. That's it. That's all I have left to contribute. Because In the end, nothing really matters. You can't expect to be rewarded for good deeds, for being a decent person, for anything, AT ALL. If you want something take it. We're all gonna eventually die and everyone we've ever known we'll die too keeping with them anything record of what ever was. This is me becoming nihilistic. In a funny kind of way, I totally saw this coming

I just can't win :'(

updates:

-moved from my midtown apartment to yester oaks and I love it.
-having close to too much fun
-still in need of a new job

with that being said I think I'm fully caught up with major changes.
I'm so close to being genuinely super happy again I jut don't want to jinx it you know? I think its safe to say that I've been her before, and its a really good place to be in. I just want it to last this time. That's all I want is a period of happiness. I don't care how hard I have to work for it. Its pretty much all due to my new roommates and a certain girl. She FINALLY kissed me tonight. So that's gotta be good right.?

It seems as if I can't get a break.

So I get a hold of a copy of the YYYs new album. It's very fucking pop. Its not anywhere near as gritty as Fever To Tell or as against the grain as Show Your Bones. If anything I'd have to say that its rather tame compared to the rest of their catalogue.It seems as if its meant to be played in clubs and there's very little guitar, and what used to be guitar is now replaced with synth. Some moments shine pale and bright while others leave me scratching my head. Ms. Orzolek, what have you done? i'm gonna leave it in my car for a bit longer and hopefully it'll grow on me.

ended in shambles. I got too drunk to function within about 4 hours, ruined subway's bathroom, passed out in a park, was carried to someone's car to pass out, and apparently spent 20 dollars on chicken I don't remember eating, but do remember vomiting. yay mardi gras.




 

fuck my life

I'm dumb as FUCK

As I type this I can't help to think to myself, "back to scrubs humor huh? You really know how to beat a dead horse there Mike." So this makes a another Valentine's Day, alone. But somehow I'm ok with it. I mean not in actually ok, just mildly if that makes any sense. I'm not even gonna try to spend a dime this year on anyone but myself. Because at the end of the night I know myself is totally putting out. One of the reasons I'm ok with it is that of all the relationships I know that float around me maybe one is successful, but then again they've been together since high school and they're the only friends I have that have actually grown up. Everyone else ahas either settled, become comfortable in a monotonous routine, or have become stuck waist deep in a toxic relation-shit.  I want none of that. And I'm not expecting that shit they show in movies and TV where all I have to do is buy a ticket to Chicago on christams eve or stand outside of her window blaring Peter Frampton because that shit doesn't happen, ever. In real life you get a restraining order and a reputation. So I think its for the best if I just hang back and having so much pity for myself. I'm young, I live on my own, I don't have any diseases, and I can occassionally carry on a witty conversation. But, I also can't commit to shit, whioch I thought I had in check by now. I becoming comfortable with knowing that when the time comes I can easily step up to the plate of the relationship that has been owed to me for so many years. But until then I think its for the best if I continue to be really lonely, because in the end, its not so lonely after all

this is such this case that was my house warming party. over invited yet just the right amount of people came, cops showed up around 2 partly shortly dispersed. seeing as it was advertised a medium -sized I think it was a success 

I will be attending both the Birmingham and New Orleans Death Cab shows. Maybe even the Atlanta one too. that is all

1. experiencing first showing with hot water that you paid for. it's niiiiiice
2. taking everyone from one place i.e. bar back to your place to party until you pass out. awesome
3. having girls over...night. *hi-five*